i'm ugly

when i was younger, i got mocked and teased a lot in school. i was tall and skinny and tended to trip over my own huge feet (which now, compared to my height, aren't actually that big). i often remember thinking i was also ugly. oddly enough, a girl in junior high once told me that she predicted i might actually be good looking once i hit 25 or so. that was pretty nice to hear when i was 13.

can i share something personal? i don't feel ugly anymore. and, i have pretty good looking and popular friends. this didn't happen when i was younger. but what i am now discovering is that i seem to be making up for lost time as a kid. i want to hang out with good looking people (i attribute this opportunity to hang out with good looking people to my marrying such a hot chick), and sadly, embarrassingly, and very sinfully don't want to hang out with people who might be perceived as not good looking.

could i possibly get any more shallow? when i came to this realization that i just shared it made me ill. i seriously want to throw up when i think about myself being like this. i should burn...

i'm telling everybody (all two or three of you who read this blog) this because i believe in the power of confession. i believe that if i hold this inside i have no chance of healing. i have no chance of becoming a whole person who is able to see the God given beauty in every single person i see and meet. i believe it when james writes that we should confess our sins to each other so that we may be healed.

i also have to confess that i don't know why this works. i don't know why, but i can already tell that there's something working and changing inside of me. maybe Jesus knew what he was talking about. maybe he really is truth. or i guess this could have just been an ingenious, counter cultural, self-help plan thought of years ago. kind of like flowers and chocolate i would guess...